Always and Forever
by Drucilla Black
Summary: A letter to Speedy from the one he loved before Polly stole his heart...


**Always and Forever**

**WARNING: Yes, I know that Slash is a "forbidden area" in SPC stories but I like to try new things (though I don't believe that anyone except from "Big Cheese" is even slightly gay or bi). Don't worry though, it's not graphic (even if it is a bit OOC, but how do you keep them in character when you're being serious?)**

**NOTES: Slash. One-sided. Angst. A touch Lemony (talk/thoughts of implied sexual content but nothing else) I might later turn it into a series when I finish my other SPC story.**

Dear Speedy,

I hate you so much. Do you know that? And do you know that I also love you? I always will. Always and Forever.

There was a time, and it seems like such a long time ago, that nothing and no one could have made me hate you. 

I remember how it started when we were teenagers…

You turned up to my place, miserable and absolutely trashed. Very out-of-character for you, considering how much you hated the taste of all alcoholic substances. Your girlfriend had been cheating on you and decided the best time to tell you would be at her party. You lay next to me on my bed, swearing, calling her every name under the sun and drinking from a bottle of vodka you had managed to steal from the party.

"You know what? Maybe you and I should hook up, save us all this stupid girl trouble!" You said in a slurred voice. "What's so damn good 'bout chicks anyway? They're all a bunch of frigid wallet-drainers who cheat on you with dumb jocks then go 'round passing out diseases to everyone on the block while refusing' to put out to the guy they're s'posed to be with!"

Then, you changed everything. One minute, I was trying to control my laughter at your drunken speech, the next your mouth was on mine and I could taste a weird mixture of your misery and the vodka you had consumed.

God; that would always be the kiss to end all kisses. Your mouth was wet and hot, like liquid fire pouring and melding into mine. Instead of pulling away, I found myself wanting more and responding to you…

The next day held no explanations, no apologies. You had no regrets; you told me you loved me. I was unsure and confused. But we kissed again that morning, and when that liquid fire feeling over swept me, all my uncertainties and confusion seemed to slip away.

 I'm not saying it was all fairy-tales. We had some pretty dark times. The jibes that we had once brushed off without a thought now really hit home, sometimes we were so scared and confused that we couldn't even look at each other, but we kept going. We were so naïve that we thought our 'love' would conquer all. I'm older and wiser now. I have you to thank for that. Bastard.

It was kept in secret though. Stolen kisses during the day in the locker rooms when we jigged our classes together for what used to be our cigarette breaks. Melding flesh at night as we held each other close whenever we slept over at each other's places.

I took your virginity too. I remember that night, how perfect everything was as we became one. Hungry, ardent kisses. Moans and cries right on the border between forbidden pleasure and delicious pain as I took what remained of your childhood. I was gentle, wasn't I? You were hungry for me, weren't you? After it was over, we both cried silently as we held each other. I told you were my one and my only. You said how much you loved me and that you'd never leave me. Liar, liar, LIAR!!!

I came to visit you in hospital after the Comet hit Edoropolis. Do you remember how I bought you a single red rose? I was the first person to visit you, and how did you repay that? 

"No." Your eyes were blank and cold as you rejected my embrace. "I don't want you anymore. I don't want *this.*" 

"What? What do you mean?" I'm sure the confusion was obvious in my eyes. You folded your arms and refused to look directly at me.

"I'm saying there's someone else now." Your voice was even colder than your eyes, but I could see an emotion creeping into your eyes now. It was guilt. And I knew whom you were talking about. I'm not a moron, you know. I confronted you about the way you looked and acted around you…but you covered your feelings with lies and silenced me with kisses. Poisonous kisses.

"How long?" I struggled to keep my voice neutral, struggled to keep my burning emotions under lock and key. I didn't have to ask whom, the guilt in your eyes told all.

"We've been sneaking around for the past four months. I love her." Those words hit me harder than any physical blow I've ever endured, and believe me; I've had some pretty savage ones.

"You told *me* that only days before the comet." 

"I lied. It's her I want. Being with a guy was just...an experiment." Your voice cracked and I couldn't help but sneer in hurt and hatred.

"Yeah, a *seven-year*  experiment? Fuck, man! I gave you seven fucking years of my life, and this is what I get in return?" And for the first time, you actually looked at me directly.

"Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't change how I feel. I still want to be friends…" You trailed off, shrinking under the look of utter loathing and hatred I was directing towards you.

"You really think we're going to be friends after this? You know what? Fuck you, Speedy Cerviche! FUCK YOU!" I remember yelling as I threw the rose on the floor, grinding it to pieces with my foot. I stormed out of the hospital and just kept walking. I didn't care that it was raining, didn't care that I was getting absolutely soaked. I walked for hours in the rainstorm of Edoropolis and only stopped when my feet wouldn't take me another step, so I sat down on the curb and cried silent, bitter tears.

It's Sunday night. We're doing the graveyard shift together. I wonder if you notice the hatred in my eyes when I look at you. I hope so, and I hope it burns into your soul. But do you what hurts even more? The fact that if you were to come up to me and beg for my forgiveness, I would do it. I still feel that liquid fire whenever our bodies contact. Oh yes, Speedy, even after what you did to me, I still love you, and it hurts. My emotions are such a vicious cycle.

Not a day goes by when I swear to God; I wish I had never returned that kiss more than seven years ago. That way, I never would've seen you for the heartless, selfish bastard that you truly are.

I love you. I hate you. Always and Forever.
    
    ** I hear... a voice say, "Don't be so blind"... **
    
    **It's telling me all these things... **
    
    **That you would probably hide... **
    
    **Am I... your one and only desire... **
    
    **Am I the reason you breathe... **
    
    **Or am I the reason you cry...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **Always... always... always... always... always... always... always... **
    
    **I just can't live without you... **
    
    **I love you... **
    
    **I hate you... **
    
    **I can't get around you... **
    
    **I breathe you... **
    
    **I taste you...**
    
    **I can't live without you... **
    
    **I just can't take any more... **
    
    **This life of solitude... **
    
    **I guess that I'm out the door... **
    
    **And now I'm done with you...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **I feel... like you don't want me around... **
    
    **I guess I'll pack all my things... **
    
    **I guess I'll see you around... **
    
    **Its all... been bottled up until now... **
    
    **As I walk out your door... **
    
    **All I hear is the sound... **
    
    **Always... always... always... always... always... always... always... **
    
    **I just can't live without you...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **I love you... **
    
    **I hate you... **
    
    **I can't live without you...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **I left my head around your heart... **
    
    **Why would you tear my world apart...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **Always... always... always... always...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **I see... the blood all over your hands... **
    
    **Does it make you feel... more like a man... **
    
    **Was it all... just a part of your plan... **
    
    **The pistol's shakin' in my hands... **
    
    **And all I hear is the sound...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **I love you... **
    
    **I hate you... **
    
    **I can't live without you... **
    
    **I breathe you... **
    
    **I taste you... **
    
    **I can't live without you... **
    
    **I just can't take any more... **
    
    **This life of solitude... **
    
    **I guess that I'm out the door... **
    
    **And now I'm done with you...   
    
      
    
    **
    
    **I love you... **
    
    **I hate you... **
    
    **I can't live without you... **
    
    **I love you... **
    
    **I hate you... **
    
    **I can't live without you... **
    
    **I just can't take any more...**
    
    **This life of solitude... **
    
    **I pick myself off the floor... **
    
    **And now I'm done with you... **
    
    **Always...Always... **
    
    **"Always" – Saliva **


End file.
